JÖRMUNGANDR
A sorta kinda mostly almost in-canon tale filled with Daria and Daria-related
characters, including Daria herself
by TAG, with apologies
Prelude
“Ah. Curious place to put an occupied hospital bed, all alone in the basement of
an abandoned building. What a pathetic bedridden fellow at that. This will be
fun. Hello, whoever you are. You, yes, the shriveled one encircled by those
primitive medical devices. You are, I believe, the source of that little
long-range psychic pulse that has been scratching at my consciousness for the
last week. It is doubtful but still possible you will become a problem for me
in the indefinite future, and as I have more than enough problems as is, I’m
afraid you will have to go. Doesn’t look like you have much of a life to speak
of, so look upon your departure as a blessing, painful though it will be. I
will feed on your living brain as I did that unfortunate and odiferous fellow
who drove me here, consuming your mind and personality, your very soul, and
then—”
You are long winded. I had expected you would attack me at once, but you
waste your time toying with an imagined victim. Perhaps you are of less use
than I had hoped.
“A telepath? My, and a delusional one, too. This will be especially amusing.”
You continue to waste your time, and mine as well. Hear me out. Your very
existence depends on it.
“We will see abo—AHHH! AHHH! Damn you, how are
you able to—”
I could tear you into atoms with ease and prolong your agony for aeons,
until you are nothing more than an endless scream in the psychic ether.
“AHHH! Stop it! No! AHHH! Stop it! STOP IT!”
Cooperate, or beg for a death that will never come.
“YES! I SURRENDER! STOP!
STO—ah! Ow! Oh, my. Ouch. Thank you for not, um, you know, doing that other
thing. No need to get violent, old chap. I do believe we have an understanding.
I fear I’ve behaved most horribly, apologies all around. All the fault of that
awful truck driver I used to get here, wretched smelly fellow. Let’s start over
again, shall we?”
One more is about to arrive, then we will begin our discussion.
“One more . . . I don’t mean to be rude, but . . . did
you deliberately trick—um, summon me here?”
Yes, and her as well. I believe the three of us have mutual interests and
would benefit from collaboration.
“Mutual interests? Do you eat human brains, too?”
Think in a larger scope. What is it you most desire?
“Oh, that is an interesting question. What do I most .
. . pardon me again, but I believe someone is screaming outside your door.”
It is of no consequence.
“I do like the way you think, old boy.”
Come in. The door is not locked.
“Oh, my.”
——What mortal dares to call upon me?
I have given up my name. It was not important. I know your name, however.
And yours.
“I was unaware that this planet harbored more than one intelligent species.”
——Wretch, you do not belong on thisss earth. Begone!
“Oh, you are a fine one to call me a wretch. You hardly look to have a brain
worth feeding on.”
——I will crusssh you in my coilsss as I did the one who carried me here, then
ssswallow your bonelesss remainsss at my leisssure—after dessstroying him.
“You might wish to rethink that strategy. I don’t believe our host approves of
violence—unless he’s the one committing it.”
——Fool, you will regret you ever spoke to me with—sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
“In all fairness, I did try to warn you.”
——ssssssssssssssssstopstopstop!
Neither of you will attack the other, nor will either of you dare attack me.
This is your final chance to hear me out. I have a proposition to put to you
both.
“Not that I have a choice, but I’m all ears.”
——Ssspeak and be damned, accursssed mortal.
I weary of this world. My days have been few, but life in my present
condition is torment, and my condition worsens by excruciating degrees. I long
for release from this ravaged shell.
“You didn’t bring us here so that we could pull the plug on your life support,
did you?”
I brought you here because I wish for this world to die with me.
“Oh. Oh! Why didn’t you just say so in the first place?
We could have avoided a lot of bother if you had.”
——What have I to do with your grievance?
My thirst for revenge is all that keeps me alive. I sense that you both have
your own such thirsts, and they are perfectly congruent with mine. Revenge is
everything, revenge is all.
“Revenge . . .”
——Revenge. . . .
The waters of revenge. Bitter they will be for all others on this planet to
drink, but sweet upon my tongue, sweet and pure and satisfying. As my kind
perishes, so will I, in victory.
“Mmm, I feel a need to interrupt and point out a possible flaw in that plan.”
You will be provided with a means to escape this earth and return to space.
I do not desire your own doom. Go where you will when this is done.
“Silly question, but are you by any chance able to read minds?”
Your thoughts do not concern me. Only your deeds are of interest. Think what
you wish, but be wary of my wrath if you fail me—or turn on me.
“Not the answer I had expected, but it will do.”
——And what of me, withered one?
After this earth is slain, it will be yours to rule and populate as you
wish.
——Mine?
Till eternity’s end. Yours, and yours alone.
——Mine. . . . and what would you asssk of me, mortal,
to make thisss ssso?
“I was curious as to what you wanted from me as well. No pressure, just . . . curious.”
I have grave limitations that only the two of you can overcome. You will be
my left hand and my right. To destroy a world, one must be thorough. I have
conceived of a plan that will scour the human stain from the rocks and seas,
scour away the stain of life itself and leave this miserable ball sterile and
bleak as the depths of space.
——I ssserve no massster.
“Look upon it as an opportunity, my good friend, not as servitude. True, if we
refuse to help this fine gentleman I suspect we will be disposed of, and
painfully too, but what of it? Destroying humanity is my fondest dream. A
little cooperative effort is surely worth that, wouldn’t you agree?”
——Perhapsss.
“It is agreed, then. Before you get on with detailing your plan, I hope you
don’t mind if I ask a personal question.”
The machines that surround me are not here to give me life. I could sustain
my existence for geologic periods of time if I so wished, but I do not. I
cannot ease my pain nor move my physical body beyond my eyes, so I distract
myself with petty amusements when plotting revenge is insufficient.
“I see. What do the machines do, then?”
They allow me to control the television set at the foot of my bed. I change
channels through the movements of my eyes. My wife and children set it up for
me. Best cable service in the state.
“Your wife and—?”
You will meet them soon enough. We must now begin our discussion in earnest.
Time grows short.
“Eager to scour the world of humanity, are we?”
My favorite TV show begins in forty minutes. I never miss “Sick, Sad World.”
One learn so much from it.
Chapter One
*** Esmeralda, you are in Area 51 Chat Room 3 ***
MIB007: thats why thye shot those abombs into thw van halen belt
NoGoBonzo: forgive me, but i find that a little hard to believe
NoGoBonzo: there has never been any evidence of radiation monsters
living in the van *allen* belts
ICUthere: the what belt?
ICUthere: ezzy!!!!
NoGoBonzo: and those atom bomb tests were just tests to see if a bomb
could cut off radio
MIB007: thrers plenty ofevedence the govmt has it loked up but its ther
NoGoBonzo: communications in the event of a nuclear war
NoGoBonzo: ezzy, howareya
sue_naami: Hey, Ez
ratttgrrrl: yo esmerlda
EuroPsion: esmeralda, welcome
Esmeralda: Hello again. Sorry I’m late, long day.
Esmeralda: What’s the topic tonight?
MIB007: yu saw tht alein autopse film yu know thre therr the govmt is
hidding th truth
Esmeralda: Never mind, I think I can guess.
*** Earl_of_Queens has entered the room ***
ratttgrrrl: lol
ICUthere: its better than whats on the tube anyway
ICUthere: hi earl!
ratttgrrrl: mib is on his high horse again
NoGoBonzo: earl, hey dude
ratttgrrrl: earl!!! *hugs!*
MIB007: did yiu see hanger 13 tht was all truu just see th moviee on
vidoe
sue_naami: 007, it would help your case if you could spel proprlee
EuroPsion: earl, welcome back 
Earl_of_Queens: Thanks, good to be here. Hope everyone is well.
Esmeralda: Greetings from Alpha Centauri, Earl.
Earl_of_Queens: Did I miss
anything?
MIB007: thry had it on x-files to so th govrentment know s evrytghing
Earl_of_Queens: Never mind.
Esmeralda: Exactly.
ratttgrrrl: i never saw a ufo but my uncle did
ratttgrrrl: he was driving to
ratttgrrrl: brb
Esmeralda: Great, now she’s been abducted, too.
sue_naami:
NoGoBonzo: we started out talking about a ssw episode and got off topic
ICUthere: es, lmao!!!!
NoGoBonzo: waaaaay off
Earl_of_Queens: Sick Sad World? I watch that.
Esmeralda: SSW? I like that show. Oops, almost showed emotion.
ICUthere: omg i ***hate*** that show, it is too crazy
ratttgrrrl: back from bathroom
ratttgrrrl: I (heart) ssw!
ICUthere: tmi rg
Earl_of_Queens: What about SSW in particular?
MIB007: ther is a hole ufo in a sercet army base in nevda undrgrownd with
ded aleins
EuroPsion: sick sad world? is that a tv show?
sue_naami: This is so painful to read
Esmeralda: Sick, Sad World is a TV show about weird events, weird
people, werid news
Esmeralda: sorry weird news
ICUthere: it is bad sick gross ewwwwwwwwwww don’t watch it!!!!
ratttgrrrl: es, did u make a mistake? 
NoGoBonzo: it beats the real news, at least its funny
sue_naami: 007 is rubbing off on her
ratttgrrrl:
EuroPsion: i never watch tv, no loss
ICUthere: sometimes i wish i could say that
Esmeralda: Everyone, just keep your fingers on the keyboard while I send
50,000 volts your way.
ratttgrrrl: lol lmao!!!!!
sue_naami: Not a problem for me, dear
ICUthere: hee hee hee
NoGoBonzo: that was good
Earl_of_Queens: Were you talking about any particular episode of SSW?
ICUthere: a crazy one duh
NoGoBonzo: that space/meteorite storm a few years ago
MIB007: jfk knew abouit th aleins so did fdr and everone aftr him but
thy covred it up big hush
sue_naami: Which storm?
ratttgrrrl: space storm, geo metro something
Esmeralda: Geomagnetic storm of 1996.
Earl_of_Queens: geomagnetic storm
Earl_of_Queens: You beat me to it!
NoGoBonzo: that was it, i remember that
Esmeralda: SSW said it was an alien invasion. There was a report of an
object approaching
MIB007: men in blak are real i was 1 ofthem, they ar not fbi or cia but
run evrythign
EuroPsion: [rolls eyes]
Esmeralda: Earth just before the geomagnetic storm hit. Some group
claimed it drove the aliens away.
ratttgrrrl: i remember that, the pain almost
knocked me out, that was wild
Esmeralda: I just got a headache. I can’t believe that came from a
geomagnetic storm, though.
NoGoBonzo: i remember the sky lighting up for a half minute or so, like
a million meteors coming
NoGoBonzo: then lightning or auroras, but nothing happened to me, no
headaches or anything
NoGoBonzo: maybe less than half a minute, not sure of duration
sue_naami: NGB, same here, didn’t notice a thing, maybe slept through it
EuroPsion: same, nothing, but the sky was full of lightning,
crisscrossed like a big net before it ended
ICUthere: i don’t understaNd any of this, 2 crazy 4 me
Earl_of_Queens: I remember that night.
Esmeralda: I was in my bedroom reading and thought my skull would burst.
My only migraine ever.
*** theotherhalf has entered the room ***
NoGoBonzo: wonder why nothing happened to me
ratttgrrrl: man, you were lucky, that sucked!!!
ICUthere: hey 1/2, good to see you
EuroPsion: other, welcome
Earl_of_Queens: TOH, hey!
ratttgrrrl: toh!!! ***hugs toh***
theotherhalf: Hi! ***hugs rg***
NoGoBonzo: hey, lady
theotherhalf: hi all
Esmeralda: You got here just in time. We were actually on topic.
MIB007: nixon startd vetnam to cover up th invasn so th news woud not
find out but som pepole did anwy
NoGoBonzo: we minus one were on topic
theotherhalf: sis is online in another chat, have time to myself finally
(sort of)
ratttgrrrl: lol
Esmeralda: TOH, do you remember that SSW episode about the alien
invasion?
theotherhalf: which one?
ICUthere: whatever
NoGoBonzo: there have been a *lot* of alien invasions, according to ssw,
almost one a week
Esmeralda: Spring 1996, with the “meteor shower” and auroras and
“lightning net” or whatever.
Earl_of_Queens: That was on “The Pasquale Mendosa Show” first. SSW
picked it up later.
theotherhalf: oooh yea, the headache thing,
that was… different. sis had it too
theotherhalf: u saw it on pms?
ICUthere: pms, i love it!
ratttgrrrl: lol x1000000000
NoGoBonzo: that guy is nothing but cheap drama. he
just looks for controversy, sensational stuff
EuroPsion: another tv show i dont watch
Earl_of_Queens: I was on that show.
NoGoBonzo: i wouldn’t believe anything mendosa said
theotherhalf: pms, wonder if anyone else ever figured that out
Esmeralda: EoQ> Say what?
ICUthere: whoa waitaminnut earl, i remember seeing you with that guy
with the huge head
ratttgrrrl: what ?
Esmeralda: You? You were THAT Earl?
NoGoBonzo: what are you talking about?
EuroPsion: once again im out of the loop
sue_naami: I’ve definitely missed something here (took a phone call)
Earl_of_Queens: There was an alien invasion in 1996. I was there. “The
Pasquale Mendosa Show”
Earl_of_Queens: made it look like a big joke, I know, but it was all true.
We stopped an invasion.
ratttgrrrl: what???????????????????????
sue_naami: Good one, Earl, you really had me going
NoGoBonzo: earl, don’t drink/smoke/snort and type at the same time,
please
Earl_of_Queens: SSW actually got it right when they did that “brain-eaters
from outer space” ep.
ICUthere: swear on a bible that what you just said is true earl
Earl_of_Queens: What would it matter if I did? No one really believes
us.
Earl_of_Queens: I’m sorry I mentioned it. Forget it.
NoGoBonzo: dude, you were serious?
ICUthere: ill know if you do it earl, swear on a bible its true
Esmeralda: I’m having just the teensiest trouble here. You stopped an
alien invasion four years ago?
EuroPsion: i feel a leg being pulled, maybe more than one leg
Esmeralda: You and what’s-his-name, Jim Bighead?
Earl_of_Queens: ICU> Happy now?
Earl_of_Queens: Es> Not me, we. I was a Human Anomaly. I’m not
anymore, but I was back then.
ICUthere: omg!!! you told the truth!!! omg!!!!
sue_naami: Is everyone here on drugs?
NoGoBonzo: wish i was
Esmeralda: Fine, I’ll be the bad cop. Earl, you’ve been here for a few
months listening to us
Esmeralda: babble on about UFOs and crop circles and mind-control
satellites, but in all that
Esmeralda: time you’ve been the voice of reason and restraint. Now you
tell us that you helped
Esmeralda: stop an alien invasion, and you were the Earl on “The
Pasquale Mendoza Show” who
Esmeralda: if memory serves claims to have had a goldfish bowl stuck in
his/your mouth, and you
Esmeralda: and the other Human Anomalies or whatever broke into a secret
government lab in
Esmeralda: New Jersey and thwarted the invasion, which was actually
billions of aliens shooting
Esmeralda: out of a spaceship like meteors (the meteor shower part most
people seem to remember)
ratttgrrrl: o
Esmeralda: and into the heads of every human on earth to feed on their
brains (causing headaches)
ratttgrrrl: m
Esmeralda: but the anti-invasion machine forced the aliens out of our
heads and back into their
ratttgrrrl: g
Esmeralda: ship and they left, taking with them a scientist, but one
evil alien escaped and is at large.
Esmeralda: This is what really happened, and not a geomagnetic storm. Do
I have that right?
NoGoBonzo: wtf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
theotherhalf: was this like a movie or
something?
Earl_of_Queens: Es> Yes, that’s correct. That’s all true. The
migraine you remember was an
Earl_of_Queens: alien’s attempt to possess you and eat your brain, but
we stopped it.
ratttgrrrl: omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomggomgogmgogmogmgogomgogmg
NoGoBonzo: o_0
sue_naami: It’s late, and I have to be in court tomorrow early
sue_naami: Have a good night
sue_naami: Good story, Earl
*** sue_naami has left the room ***
Esmeralda: EoQ> Okay, just wanted to make sure I had that straight.
No problem.
ratttgrrrl: this really happened??????!!??!!?!?
Esmeralda: It’s almost midnight here. Good night, all. See you later.
ICUthere: nite ezzy
ratttgrrrl: bye!
*** Esmeralda has left the room ***
Earl_of_Queens: I should have just kept my mouth shut. No one believes
us. I’m sorry.
*** Earl_of_Queens has left the room ***
ICUthere: earl, don’t say that, i believe you
ratttgrrrl: he’s gone
ICUthere: #############!!!
ICUthere: i have to go too, gabe and iz want the pooter back to do
homework
ICUthere: ill try to get on later
ratttgrrrl: rats, bye
theotherside: sis says she needs help with some guy cyberstalking her,
gotta go, love you
ratttgrrrl: u2
*** theotherside has left the room ***
*** ICUthere has left the room ***
EuroPsion: that was interesting
NoGoBonzo: you said it, dude
ratttgrrrl: what do you guys think
NoGoBonzo: about what earl said?
ratttgrrrl: yea
NoGoBonzo: beats hell out of me
EuroPsion: that was interesting
NoGoBonzo: you said that already, what was interesting to you?
EuroPsion: esmeralda and earl said that the aliens were eating human
brains
ratttgrrrl: so?
NoGoBonzo: ???
EuroPsion: headaches
NoGoBonzo: oooooooooohhh omg
EuroPsion: right
NoGoBonzo: but that would mean….
EuroPsion: right
NoGoBonzo: but sn said….
EuroPsion: right
NoGoBonzo: damn!!! for real?
EuroPsion: for real
ratttgrrrl: what!?!?!?!?!?
EuroPsion: nothing
NoGoBonzo: forget it
NoGoBonzo: bedtime 4 bonzo
*** NoGoBonzo has left the room ***
EuroPsion: goodnight, rg, sleep tight
*** EuroPsion has left the room ***
ratttgrrrl: goodnight!
ratttgrrrl: damn!!!!! what was all
that???!?!?!?
ratttgrrrl: who’s left here?
MIB007: i was probed whn the aleins took me n there ufo, thy had a big
metel poll they stuk in my
*** ratttgrrrl has left the room ***
Chapter Two
“There, it’s yours,” Clare snipped as she collected her things and got up from
the computer, thinking many unsaintly things about the two mega-geeks waiting
impatiently behind her. She pretended not to notice as Gabriel and Isidore
immediately began a struggle over who got the vacated seat to Holiday Island
High’s mainframe with the wall-sized monitor. Gabe and Iz were the worst of
computer hogs, each claiming to know more about the Internet than the other,
each vying to become the Internet’s patron. It was so unbecoming, so déclassé.
Clare paused to check her appearance in a darkened glass monitor screen before
leaving. Other Holiday Island teens saw her and the other saints’ days as
colorless and bland, the way non-Catholic humans saw Catholic school kids in
their identical uniforms, but saints’ days saw each other in full color. Her
dark Italian beauty and long black hair made her one of the more popular
saints’ days. Being the patron saint of telephones didn’t hurt, either. It
almost made up for also being the patron of television, to which most students
were addicted but Clare could barely tolerate.
As she closed the classroom door behind her, she had a thought. After glancing
up and down the largely deserted halls of Holiday Island High, she reached into
her purse and pulled out her portable phone. It instantly recharged, dialed
itself, and connected. “Computer lab,” said a dispirited voice.
So, Gabriel lost the fight for the chair. “Gabe,” said Clare, all business as
her heels clicked down the hall, “the sister of a friend of mine is being
cyberstalked. My friend’s online name is ‘the other side,’ one word. Fix that
for me, if you would.”
“Why didn’t you tell us about it when you were in here?” came the grumbled
reply.
A little manipulation never hurt in a good cause. “Because you’re the patron of
computer stuff, like duh. I’d rather you did it than Izzy.”
“Oh! Uh, sure, yeah. I’ll give whoever it is the Blue Screen of Death! Hard
drive meltdown, yeah!”
“Thanks, Gabe. I knew I could count on you.”
“Uh, cool. Hey, Clare, uh, would you like to go out with—”
She thumbed the phone off. Like she would ever go out with the patron saint of
stamp collectors and talk radio. She thought of another person to call. The
phone dialed and connected. “This line is not secured,” said a male voice. “All
conversations are recorded.”
“Hey, Agnellus, do—”
“For security purposes, please do not use personal names.”
Clare groaned. Conspiracy-preoccupied saints’ days were such twits. “Whatever.
Look, I wanted to ask about this rumor I heard about—”
“Substantiated?”
“Sub what?”
“Do you have evidence? Proof? Witnesses?”
“Okay, Agnel, look, you either answer my questions, or I snap my fingers and
all your TV monitors go blank for a week. Got that?”
A long sigh came over the phone, followed by: “Speak to me.”
“In nineteen ninety-six, was there like some kind of
alien—”
“STOP!” Clare jerked the phone away from her ear and grimaced.
“Don’t talk!” Agnellus roared. “See me in the security office in the basement,
ASAP!” The line went dead.
If just mentioning that possibility was enough to upset the patron saint who
prevented invasions, there was something to this after all. She remembered the
alien invasion telecasts of The Pasquale Mendosa Show and Sick, Sad
World. She even remembered seeing someone who claimed to be one of the
invading aliens, though at the time she had thought it was a joke. Earth had
really been under attack? Earl was positive of it. He was a reasonably good
Catholic, so his oath on the Bible came through loud and clear. Still didn’t
make any sense how he got a fishbowl in his mouth, with a goldfish in it to
boot, but sometimes it was better not to know. Let some other saint handle that
confession.
She went downstairs to the security office, where Armed Forces Day (in a crisp,
full dress ROTC uniform) unlocked the door and let her in. He escorted her
through a secret door to a back room whose walls were lined with security
monitors. Saint Michael (also in uniform, with captain’s bars) and Agnellus (in
his hyper-conservative Men-in-Black outfit) were present. Armed Forces Day
saluted Mike, then left and closed the door behind him.
Clare glanced at the monitors and smiled. The monitors operated by television
signal, so she instinctively knew everything on them. “Any action in the girls’
locker room tonight?” she asked, all innocence.
Agnellus leaned forward in his chair and jabbed a button. One of the monitors
went dark. “Look,” he said, turning red but trying to act as if nothing was
wrong, “you are not authorized to know all the details about what happened
during the nineteen ninety-six, uh, incident. We can’t even confirm or deny
such an event occurred.”
“No security clearance,” said Mike, arms folded in front of him. “No details.”
“I don’t want to know all the details,” Clare growled, “because I
already know them.”
“You can’t,” said Agnel with a glare. “You’re not authorized.”
“I know because the whole thing was broadcast over the freakin’ TV, okay?” she
shouted. “Of course I know all about it! Don’t talk down to me!”
“Easy,” said Mike, impassive as always. “We’re just doing our jobs.”
Agnel exhaled heavily and sat back in his chair, eyeing Clare. “Why are you
here?”
“One of my advocates is having a bad time because he helped stop the invasion.
No one believes him. I wanted to do something for him.”
“Who was it?”
“Earl Schwartz of Queens, New York.”
Agnellus and Mike exchanged glances. “What did you want to do for him?” said
Agnel quietly.
“He said one of the attacking aliens escaped. I remember seeing that alien now
on a security monitor, years ago, but at the time I thought it was someone in a
rubber suit in a bad video production. He was on a TV show later. I think the
alien was one of the invaders. I’d like for Earl to get a lead on him.”
“Earl Schwartz is retired from active service,” said Agnel.
Clare frowned. “He’s not in the military. He never was.”
“When he was a Human Anomaly, he worked for the national defense. Now that he
doesn’t have a fishbo—uh, now that he’s back to normal, he’s no longer involved
with defense work. His choice.”
“Maybe a clue will get him back on the team.”
“Look,” said Mike, arms still folded. “You remember what happened the last time
some of us crossed over. Christmas, Halloween, Patrick’s Day, all of them got
detention for a month. And humans came over from Lawndale, too! The Principal had to intervene and make the humans think
glitter berries got into the water supply just to cover it up. Then there was
April Fool’s Day and that hurricane, which was an even bigger mess. The
wormhole to Good Time’s been taken off-line. What if you went over and didn’t
come back? What if—”
“—what if Guy Fawkes Day didn’t come back, no more meat pies, yadda yadda
yadda. Gimme a break. I’m not asking to go over and hand Earl all your files.
Just give me something, anything, some scrap of info. You don’t really know
what this alien is doing, do you?”
Agnel looked uneasy. “No.”
“He could be setting up something bad. It’s a huge security issue, right? All
you’re doing is watching TV screens. Don’t you want someone out there who could
really help?”
Mike rubbed his eyes with one hand. Agnel ran a hand through his dark hair.
“We’ll talk about it,” he said. “Meeting’s over.”
Armed Forces Day escorted her out to the hall. “Hey, Clare,” he said, a note of
hope in his voice, “is there any chance you would go out with—”
She shut the door on him, then went home.
The phone woke her up at
“I’m going to say this only once,” said a muffled voice on the other end of the
line. “The body of a truck driver who went missing in Scranton was just found.
He had some kind of head injury, something no one’s ever seen before. Police
can’t make anything of it. They’re calling it a murder.”
She was wide awake now. The caller ID on her phone wasn’t working. That had
never happened before. It’s Agnellus. “Where’d they find him?” she said.
“West Texas,” said the muffled voice. “Little nowhere place called Highland.”
The line went dead.
Chapter Three
“Okay, let’s start out by welcoming everyone to the Human Anomalies Support
Group of Brooklyn, New York. It’s really good to see you. We meet here at the
community center every Saturday from nine to eleven a.m. I’m Shane Blackman,
licensed group therapist and facilitator, and we have some new members with us
for this cycle. Let’s start by going around and introducing ourselves, then
saying a few words about why we want to be here. Remember, you don’t have to
talk, but you do have to listen. We’ll start with you, Earl.”
“Um, my name is Earl, and I work as a computer technician for the Wizard
Foundation. I, um, I’ve been in the Human Anomalies group for, um, five years.”
“That’s great, Earl, thank you. Why do you want to be here?”
“Uh . . . I don’t have that many friends, and . . .
I’m kind of used to coming here.”
“Okay, we’ll come back to that later. Let’s hear from you, Raquel.”
“I’m Raquel, and I’m here to . . . well . . . I’ve
been coming here as long as Earl has, and I’ve been working on my self-esteem
issues . . . because I look like a rat.”
“Now, Raquel. . . .”
“Well, I do, with my big nose and my buckteeth, but it’s not as bad as it used
to be. I mean, I’ve learned to take more risks, get out a little more, not be
so bothered when people stare at my nose . . . like
what everyone else is doing now, but that’s okay, I’m kind of used to it.”
“Good to hear you’re pushing the envelope, Raquel. Would you like to add something
about a special achievement you’ve accomplished lately?”
“Oh, uh, yeah, forgot about that. Yesterday I got my fifth-degree black belt in
mixed martial arts, with specialization in kickboxing and wing chun. And that
guy I beat up last month for making jokes about my nose isn’t going to sue. He
doesn’t remember what happened. From the concussion, I think.”
“That’s . . . uh, great, really great. And you’re here
to . . . ?”
“Uh, oh, to learn to control my temper when people make fun of my nose.”
“Excellent. I like your hair, too.”
“I didn’t do anything to it, but thanks.”
“Okay . . . and now we have . . . which one of you
would like to go first?”
“Oh, me, definitely. Hi, everybody! I’m Belinda—are we supposed to give our
last names?”
“That’s up to you.”
“Okay, then, I’m Belinda and that’s Melinda, we’re the Janus twins, maybe
you’ve seen us on TV, we were like on Sick, Sad World a few years ago
and got a free makeover, which was great, you know, so we’re like really cute now.
Doncha think so, too? I know I am, yeah, baby!”
“Um—okay, tell us about why you want to be in this group.”
“Oh! Yeah, well, hey! Great place to meet cute guys who are kinda out there,
like me! I mean, like us!”
“Well, this isn’t really the place to . . . let’s hold
that thought and move on. We’ll hear from your sister next.”
“Huh?”
“It’s your turn. Would you like to introduce yourself to everyone?”
“Eh, what the hell. I’m Melinda Janus. My sister and I are dicephalic twins—two
heads, one body, blah blah. They thought about separating us at birth, but we
share the same pancreas, so they couldn’t. And I don’t have any idea why I’m
here. You can stare at us all you want to, it don’t matter to me. I’m used to
it.”
“You have no idea why you’re here?”
“See, Belinda wanted to come to meet people, so we made a deal where if she
gets to come here on Saturday mornings, we have to go to the library for the
afternoon.”
“Yeah, the library, like eww! Can’t meet any cute guys there.”
“A deal’s a deal, Bee. Get over it.”
“You get over it, dork.”
“Okay, okay, okay, let’s move on to, um . . . you.”
“Hey, Earl, you said you work for the Wizard Foundation?”
“Um . . . yeah, in technical support.”
“Wait, I think it would be best to wait on the personal questions. We’ll have a
break in forty minutes, and then everyone can talk about any—”
“Earl, you know the Wizard Foundation’s got racist promotion policies, right? I
mean, everybody knows it, right?”
“Uh . . . well . . . things have gotten a little
better. . . .”
“Please, let’s wait on the intragroup communication and continue with our
introductions. You are . . .?”
“I ain’t givin’ my name. Man, I thought I had real problems, but I got nothin’
on you all.”
“You’re a cross-dressing midget.”
“Belinda, please!”
“Well, he is!”
“Forget it. I’m goin’. I may be a cross-dressing little person, but I
can get chicks just like that. Look, Earl, a word of advice. You look like a
decent guy. You know you ain’t ever getting’ promoted at Wizard ‘cause you’re
black, right? You ain’t never gonna make supervisor there. I should know. My
brother-in-law works there in Personnel, and he says nobody with a skin tone
darker than Hitler’s gets into middle management or higher. That came down from
the boss himself. Wise up and find a better place for your talents, all right?
You deserve it. I’m outta here.”
“Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!”
“Belinda! Oh, well. Um . . . well, okay, we’re down a
member, but let’s go on. Earl, are you all right?”
“Huh? Oh . . . yeah, I’m okay. He’s right, though. I
could do better. I just—”
“Let’s get back to that thought after the introductions. Our final group member
is . . . you. Say a few words about yourself, please.”
“Me name . . . Kang Admi. Me from Nepal. Not yeti, no,
but humans say, yes, me yeti. Me not yeti, no way. White fur, yes, very big,
yes, but me human, like you. Me work out, real buff, great abs. Look at that.
Rock solid. But, me problem, if wear business suit and carry fine leather
attaché case downtown, go job hunting, humans all stare, point, call tabloids
to investigate, make me miss appointments. Here four years, still
unemployed. What up with that?”
“Ah. I’m sorry to hear that, um, Kang. What do you want to accomplish by being
in this group?”
“Oh, get job downtown, six figures, find better tailor, new girlfriend, like
that.”
“Oooh-kay. Now would be a good time to do a group exercise and learn about
realizing your actuality. Then we’ll have a video.”
“Shane?”
“Yes, Earl?”
“I don’t think I belong in the Human Anomalies Support Group anymore.”
“What? I’m surprised to hear you say that. Of course you—”
“No, I don’t. I’m only here because I don’t have any friends who aren’t in this
group. This is the only place I ever go besides work or my apartment. And the
only reason I was ever in the Human Anomalies group to begin with was because
someone bet me fifty dollars that I couldn’t put a goldfish bowl in my mouth,
and when I did I was too scared to go to a hospital to have it removed, and
when our old group broke into that secret government lab in New Jersey four
years ago and Jim knocked the fishbowl out of my mouth to short-circuit the
force field, that little goldfish died all because of me and that bet, and I’ve
never gotten over it. No one really believes we stopped an alien invasion. They
all think—”
“Earl, I was there, remember? We sure as heck did stop an alien
invasion!”
“Raquel, please don’t—”
“Whoa, hey! Are you that guy who was online last night, ‘Earl of Queens’? Was that you?”
“Melinda, one of our group rules is to raise a hand first before—”
“Yes, that was me. I’m Earl of Queens. I’m sorry that I—”
“I’m ‘The Other Half’! Get it? I’m the other half of
my sister and me! I didn’t know that was you! We were
in the Area 51 chat room together!”
“Is, like, that guy Earl your boyfriend or something?”
“Oh, shut up, Bee!”
“Please, let’s not quarrel just yet! Remember, when a
hand makes a fist, it can’t pick a flower. Let’s—”
“Earl, let’s go outside and take a walk. I gotta ask you some stuff, okay?
Belinda, we gotta go.”
“Hey, if you pull me outta this group, I’m not going to the library later!”
“Screw the freakin’ library! Excuse us, Mister Blackman, we’ll be right back.
You all go on and talk or something. Earl, c’mon, let’s go.”
“You want to talk to me? About what?”
“We’ll be back, okay? All you cute guys wait for us! That means you, Kang! I’m
telling you, this better be good, Mel. That Kang is hot.”
“Get off it, Bee. Okay, Earl, look: if you say you stopped an alien invasion,
and that girl with the nose says you did, too, then maybe you did, okay? I
mean, I don’t know what the hell happened, but if you need some help, you can
ask me, okay? I’ll do whatever I can, okay? Seriously.”
“Are you two talking about that movie where the aliens blow up the White
House?”
“We’re not talking about a movie, Bee!”
“Thanks, uh, Melinda, but I don’t really need any help. I’m just
. . . I don’t know, ever since the invasion, I feel . . . empty, like
there’s all this stuff I could be doing, but I don’t know what to do. It’s like
I’m wasting my life when I could be . . . oh! Sister?
Sister, you dropped your newspaper! Sister!”
“Is that nun like deaf or just hard of hearing?”
“I don’t know. Traffic’s moving again. Maybe when the light changes, I can run
across the street and give her paper back.”
“That the Times?”
“Yeah. It’s a really good . . . oh.”
“What?”
“Oh, no! Oh, no!”
“What? What? Damn it, Earl, what’s the matter?”
“I’ve got to call the others! We have to go to Texas right away! He’s back! He’s
baaack!”
Chapter Four
Esmeralda
College: -27 days and counting. Spent the day helping Jane make a video
documentary of her home for use in future art projects or a tell-all
autobiography, she's not sure which. Filmed Trent asleep, rusting sculpture in
front yard, The Great Dandelion Forest, her mom's kiln (needs repair after last
explosion), Jane's smelly closets, stuffy attic full of artistic junk, cats
napping under sofa, red stain inside refrigerator, basement on side where
Spiral practices. Jane found a plastic bag containing questionable herbs behind
washing machine, buried it in backyard wrapped in plastic and tape under new
gazebo. Will check back in a year to see if seeds grew anyway.
Saw Quinn reading a book at dinner. Thought at first it was a romance, but then
saw it was about financial planning, money management, how to become rich. Q
was reading so intently she reached for her milk and knocked it over. I was
going to make a sarcastic comment, but decided not to. It occurred to me that
she might very well become rich, and it would be wise to let her finish the
book in case I need to make bail one day.
Got off computer a few minutes ago after chatting in Area 51. Some of the usual
suspects have decided to investigate a peculiar murder that happened in
Highland (TX), of all places. Was tempted to ask if it was anyone I knew,
decided I didn't want to know. The gang thinks it has something to do with
Earl's tale about stopping an alien invasion in 1996. (Must ask what medication
he is taking.) The group invited me to come along to Texas by bus, but I begged
off, said I could not leave my job at the Kennedy Space Center. NoGoB wanted to
know what I was working on; I said it was for the Department of Defense and
couldn't talk about it until I was 80. NoGoB seemed skeptical. Will have to
think of a more believable excuse next time.
Not sure what to think about this Scooby-Do-esque excursion Earl is leading.
Was surprised to hear that TOH and sister are the conjoined twins Jane and I
saw on SSW a few years ago, assuming she/they isn't/aren't on medication, too.
Earl says he just met her/them in Brooklyn today, however. Going with them is
that lady with the big nose from the Pasquale Mendosa show about the invasion,
and some hairy guy named Kang that TOH's sister likes. (How would that work?
Never mind, don't want to know.) I thought Nose Lady might be
"ratttgrrrl" from the Area 51 group, but apparently not. BTW
Ratttgrrrl was not online, neither was Sue. Euro-Psion (must remember to ask
about that name) said he and his two kids were not far from Highland, might
meet others there if they can hitch a ride. All the while MIB007 was ranting
about radioactive space viruses in the drinking water. I told him they weren't
space viruses, they were ebola. Asked how I knew; I said because I had put them
there. Not able to understand his typing after that.
Tomorrow have to work at Mom's office filing papers and shredding old files.
Remember to save files that look interesting or incriminate mother.
Chapter Five
I
hear my song, my brother spirits,
hear my song, oh my sisters
hear the song of the lone survivor, the last of our kind, the one who hid away
hear a song from the heart of the new age that consumed the old, ate it up with
fire & iron & oil, mastered & poisoned &
remade it anew
hear me, all you who are now gone forever,
who live only in my memory
hear me,
whom the new age has eaten as well
II
we left for roswell in the belly of
a greyhound from
los alamos, sleeping among the baggage with the
road humming one foot below the floor,
my tired children & me,
their pillow
we slept &
i dreamt i was a kit, young
again, smelling & seeing & listening & pouncing,
hiding in the wild places, innocent of death & pain,
ready to gnaw at the bones of the world,
racing here &
there, up & down, into
& out of,
me the master of all there was
in darkness i awoke to the mechanical odor of our
overnight den, the slow stir of my children’s breath against my fur, the
scent of their last meal on their
mouths, the heat of their bodies against me
in the endless rumble from the bus’s motor & the whine of
tires against the road & the roaring wind all around,
i awoke & knew this was the
price
this was what i took on in exchange
for my old ways, to survive this new age—
a burden i will carry forever, a weight
i dare not put down
III
it was a long age ago, in a
naïve moment when
the iron & oil world was pressing close,
grinding the old life beneath its smoke & gunshots &
screaming wheels, when i had a very
clever idea, oh
i, the cleverest of them all, i
would escape the change,
i would hide in the new age & endure & never
be found
never fade like the golden prairie,
never fall like the green forests, never
suffocate like the silver rivers & blue sky,
no
i would never be found
& oh
the cleverest part of this cleverest of all my
clever ideas was that i would
hide in full view, right there before them, in plain sight of
the unknowing, the unseeing, the uncaring, the
human
right in
front of
them all
foolproof,
yes, it was foolproof, no eye or nose or ear or claw, no
hand or gun would ever find me
oh, the great cleverness of me
as the oil & iron world came & swept away
the old things as if they had never been, reshaped the world into a landscape
unfamiliar,
i hid away &
no one found me,
ever
so long ago
wiser now & far too late, i
lie in the belly of this rumbling iron beast &
rethink that strategy, mull the long trails & back roads &
superhighways down which it has led me
i turn that clever
trick over & over in the corners of my
mind & try to
imagine what could have been, what might have been,
what would never be
foolproof the plan, but
the price for surviving the change was to change with it
the price was involvement in the
new world, becoming integral to it, a price paid out drop by drop with the red
of
my soul, paid out in minutes &
hours & days, in seasons & years, in great cycles of time,
endlessly
unannounced,
the change came upon me &
i was no longer who i
was
the change stung, it wrung
out my heart, it squeezed tears from my eyes until i had none left to weep,
&
it did all that with ungentle hands at
unwelcome times
& at the same time by slow degrees it
filled me with
something alien, something
new
no longer me
my children turn in their sleep, their heads against my fur, &
i wonder if the price was worth it
there is so much i fear—i, who once feared nothing,
the cleverest of them all
now i am afraid
because they are not like me, my children
they are mortal
they are vulnerable
they are human, & i am—
i was
not
oh, that was the real price,
what changed below my fur, that was the real price of
my survival—
to care,
to love, to become
one of them who were once my enemies,
to be no longer me
but them as well
i lie awake & wonder if the price was worth it,
if it will be worth the endless fears & doubts & worry, the pain that
is past & yet to come
but it is too late
even if i could, i would not change one moment of it,
& lose the hearts that beat
so close to mine
IV
in roswell we walk to a burgerworld, where my
children go inside to use the restrooms, then eat breakfast from
the dumpster in back—
i know what is safe &
what is not
we walk toward the ufo museum in the warming air as the
orange sun rises,
find souvenirs to fill my children’s pockets,
talk about small things
your legs were twitching all night, says courtney in a tone of reproach
i was dreaming about rabbits, say i
i was dreaming about the basement at grandma & grandpa lane’s house,
says adrian,
remember when we were on grandma’s pottery wheel & we got to
spin around & around?
yeah, that was cool
lawndale
(i pretend to groan)
oh, you liked it
you got to chase squirrels
yes, there were a lot of squirrels there, tasty ones too
ugh
i like burgerworld a lot better than eating squirrels
you wouldn’t know, you’ve never had squirrel, have you?
i just know
eww gross
we find money on the street & they tour the ufo museum, then find the
public library where
i send the children inside to read—
one hour a day whenever possible, that is the rule
while outside, in a place where no one sees, i change shape
before i walk inside as well
& use a spare computer:
read the news, check the weather, peek in the empty chat room for area 51,
find my e-mail
nogobonzo wants to know who i really am
maybe that little talk we had the other night was unwise, but i cannot undo it
now
why did i say that? why did i almost give my secret away?
i am not alone in this world, i have my children, i
should not have to reach out to
mortals for company
or do i want to be found?
others have known me in other shapes, small world
that it is some of those who know me in one form have known me in another,
never suspecting
do i want to be found?
others too have shapes they adopt when it suits them—
esmeralda, who claims to work for the space agency, is a teenage girl, a loner,
a doubter, so
easy to see through—i knew her mother once,
i can tell even through this lightning medium that she is the daughter of
one i knew named helen, long ago in middleton, who wanted to lead a tribe into
a new age of peace
in the days when people could say such things without laughing—
esmeralda, cynical child of a flower child, who adopts
indifference to guard her heart
icuthere, who sees too far & too much, human yet not quite, a different
sort of being
neither earthly nor alien, a dweller in a universe near this one, not
as much of a saint as she pretends but holy
nonetheless
sue naami, a lawyer who hints that she has no hands, a mortal but definitely
not a human,
a hunter who fears that she will one day be the
last of her kind,
like me
& the clever euro-psion, a homonym for my name in greek, urocyon,
hiding right in front of them all—
curiouser and curiouser the world in these latter days
nogobonzo’s e-mail is left unanswered
troubled,
i stare at the monitor &
think of highland instead, this nowhere place where the
others of our curious little tribe have chosen to go
to investigate the fears of one
should i go there too?
i weigh my options with unease
intuition whispers a
wordless doubt without detectable cause or proof
only once before have i known this nameless misgiving, a long age ago
when first came the oil & fire & iron
a tiny wordless doubt—
is this new era of man, this faster-than-light time of wonders, this age of oil
& fire & machine,
drawing to a close?
dare i go to highland, risk being found & known
for who i am?
must i pay this price?
has not enough been wrung from my heart?
i curse the moment when i surrendered to this age,
curse the impulse to see for myself what these humans liked so much to do,
curse their mother’s green eyes, her smile, her willingness, her body as warm
& inviting as her name,
curse that moment of weakness, though i would not change a moment of it,
not one second
i get up
time to go kids, say i
V
we find a place outside where i can take back my old shape, & i
remember when they once thought i was a dog
sometimes i pity their frustrated mother, who searches for them when they are
with me,
but i do not pity her often
where are we going, gray fox? asks courtney on my right
to highland, say i
why? asks adrian on my left
i have no idea, say i,
no idea at all
[to be continued]