LLH 3.1

“Unwanted Company” by Roentgen

"Now everyone," said Mrs. Barch, "Remember to put everything away! Remember that you're plotting velocity versus time, distance versus time and velocity versus distance!
And put everything away!"

"Gee, Daria," said Brittany, "thanks for helping me out since Kevvy's at special football practice!"

Daria was glad that Kevin was at 'special football practice' -- a euphemism for an illegal practice called by Ms. Li to strengthen the Lions up for their next opponent. The practice had the advantage of getting Kevin and the other 'brilliant' players out of school classes where their obvious ignorance could be noticed and recorded.

"Don't mention it," said Daria. "I insist. Really. Let us never speak of this again." Explaining the science of rolling a sphere down an incline to Brittany required super abilities that no human being possessed.

"Daria!" said Mrs. Barch. "I want to see you after class!"

"Crap," muttered Daria.

"Don't worry!" Brittany smiled. "It will be okay! See you!"

Daria trudged to Mrs. Barch at her lab station.

"Well, Daria," said Mrs. Barch, "I noticed that you didn't turn in any homework today. That's not like you!"

"Well..." Daria rubbed the back of her head. "Uh...."

"That's okay, Daria! Frankly, if I were to make an exception, it would be for you, and not for all those testosterone-driven males who cut my class to practice wanton acts of brutality and sexism! I know all about the Legion!"

"You...do?"

"Yes. Trust me -- Mrs. Li has made us very aware of it. I'm proud of you, Daria, setting an example that young women can make it on their own without the patronizing shadow of phallocentrism!" (Daria thought of the mental image, and winced.) "You're smart, and you'll go places! I'd rather that you take advantage of the corrupt system than those males like Kevin Thompson! You're helping to overthrow the patriarchy! You tell Jane and Quinn that we can reach an understanding! Although Quinn...well, if she could stop acting like a little -- "

"—yes, thank you very much, Mrs. Barch. I'll bring in my homework tomorrow!"

"Any time, Daria!"

Daria walked out of the room, quite surprised. Brittany was waiting for her.

"How did it go?"

"Uh...it went okay."

"I knew it! Trust me, if you help Lawndale High School, Lawndale High School helps you! We cheerleaders do an awful lot for Lawndale! And now, you can too, with your brainy stuff! I even wrote a cheer for the Legion! Do you wanna hear it?"

"I...uh... hey, there's Jane ! I need to...uh...give Jane the good news!"

"Oh! Well, I have to meet Kevvy...uh...somewhere! See you!" And with that, Brittany headed to the part of school that led to roof access, where Daria figured Brittany would 'meet Kevvy' for a personal biology leson.

Jane, however, wasn't a lie. It was indeed Jane, looking dog-tired.

"Hey."

"Hey," said Jane.

"You look like crap. And not the nice, eye-pleasing crap"

"Oh, not sleeping for about thirty hours will do that to you. You two had my phone. I had to figure out where I was and make it back home."

"Where were you?"

"I think I landed somewhere in Ohio. It was as cold as hell when I wasn't flying. I got some odd looks on the ground, dressed in my jammies."

"Why didn't you come back?"

"How was I supposed to get back? I don't know what Lawndale looks like from ten thousand feet up! I had no damn idea where I was most of the time. I finally figured out that getting home was just as easy as taking the Interstate -- or at least, watching it from the sky. Almost got hit by a power line. And two birds tried to pick on me. I landed at home an hour ago and headed to school. I figured you might be worried."

"Yeah." Daria was thankful Jane came to school -- if their situations had been reversed, Daria would have crashed in bed.

"And I missed math and I missed art," said Jane. "Great."

"Well, from what I understand -- I don't think they're going to hold it against you," said Daria. Daria was coming to her own conclusions from Mrs. Barch and Brittany.

"Good. I couldn't put up a fight."

"Wanna eat lunch?"

"Starved."

"Can you make it through Mr. O'Neill's class?"

"Sure. I'll get an hour of sleep."

(la la LA la la)

"...Jane, I think there's some kind of weird system at Lawndale High. If you're a jock, or a cheerleader, Ms. Li lets you get out of doing homework and taking tests. And since we're with the Legion...."

"...we get out anyway. Well, great. I don't miss math."

"That's not right."

"God knows I enjoy dirt, dirt, dirt about Ms. Li!" said Jane, "but we have to talk about Quinn and Sandi."

"Do we? I just ate. And I think Ms. Li is more important."

"Daria, Quinn really pulled our bacon bits out of the fire a few times. She put the whole thing together about Alan Bellard."

"Right. And we all know how successful that turned out to be."

"Look, Daria," said Jane. "Don't ride Quinn so hard okay?"

"You're taking her side?"

"I didn't think there was a "'side' to take. Listen. I think we should think about letting Sandi into the Legion. Quinn did something for us, and we should do something for her."

"Why?"

"Because you were never a younger sister," said Jane, "but I was."

"Is Sandi going to go on our trips to Philadelphia? Maybe she could blind people with her fashion sense. Or swallow them in one gulp with that hateful appendage she calls a mouth."

"Look...we humor Quinn. Letting Sandi in will make Quinn feel better. Also, it will keep Quinn out of our hair most of the time. Do you want to spend our meetings with Quinn talking about chartreuse slacks?"

"Hmm. Come to think of it...no. All right. We'll meet Sandi and see if my Ping of Death doesn't go off. But the Quarry isn't too fashionable."

"Good," said Jane. "If Sandi can't stand us, it's that much easier to get rid of her. I only want us to try to be nice to Quinn, not kiss her butt."

"Then I'll be my charming self."

"You do that."

(la la LA la la)

The phone rang. Linda Griffin got to the phone as quickly as possible.

"Sandi? How did it go?"

<"Uh...Mrs. Grif-fin.....?">

Linda knew the voice. It was Sandi's brain damaged friend, Tiffany.

"Tiffany, Sandi is not at home."

<"Where is she?">

"She's trying out for Legion membership. You've seen the commercials."

<"Uh...where would that be...?">

"If you insist...it's at the old Forman Quarry. She'll be there the entire day, so there's no point in calling us back. You can meet her at the gate. She's driving the convertible. I really must keep this line open. Good-bye!"

Alexandra Griffin, you have to get into the Legion. At least you'd hang around with someone who can string two words together.

(la la LA la la)

Tiffany Blum-Deckler tried to make another call. She would call Sandi's cell phone and catch up with her there. However, her fingers went right through the phone pad to the half-solid hand holding the receiver. For a few brief seconds, her opposite hand lost its solidity, and she dropped the phone again. She had dropped it several times that day.

Tiffany couldn't get it together. Literally. She had tried to find a nice dress, but had to spend over an hour just getting her slip to stay on without falling through her body. At some point in the laborious process, her body accepted the fact that it would be wearing a slip, even if against its will. Getting the dress to stay on, or shoes, or her purse was a different story.

It would be a long walk to the quarry. But...there was really no one else who could help her except Sandi. After all, Sandi would be there the entire day.

(la la LA la la)

"Face it, Jane," said Sandi. "The Legion...is a good idea. But neither you nor Quinn's cousin have the savoir-faire to reach people."

"Damn French class! I knew I should have studied harder!"

Jane and Sandi walked around the three portable trailers that had been set up at the quarry. Each quarry was a mobile home of its own, for the personal use of the Legionnaires.

"Uh...yeah. Anyway, I thought that the Legion could reach out to, you know, the popular people. The non-socially challenged. The Fashion Club does all sorts of charity work. Assisting the poorly coordinated with clothing coordination. De-browning the overly brown. Eliminating overly bold lipstick colors!"

Jane glared at Sandi. Sandi remembered Jane's crimson red lipstick.

"Well...uh...it's a long going project."

"Sandi," said Jane, "I don't mind you being in the Legion. But there's one thing that you have to do for me."

"And that is?"

"Hang out with Quinn. Please ."

Sandi's face turned sour at the snub. Jane's cell phone rang, mercifully ending the conversation. Jane answered it.

"Yo!"

<"I'm still not convinced that Sandi should be in the Legion."> It was Daria.

"Well, amiga, I think we have to bite the bullet on this one."

<"Fine. Anything to get me out of this conversation with her. She's already offered twice to make me over.">

"Huh? Are you talking telepathically to Sandi?"

<"No. Sandi's in front of me.">

"She's in front of me, too. I thought you were going to stay in the trailer and I was going to talk to Sandi."

<"I thought I was going to talk to Sandi in the trailer and you were going to go somewhere else!">

"Who told you that?"

The two came to the same conclusion. "Quinn!! "

Daria, in the trailer with Sandi, heard a knock on the door. Quinn opened it.

"Dah-RI-AAA!! I think there's someone out here that you're going to want to meet!!"

(la la LA la la)

"You knew this?" said Jane. "And you didn't bother to tell us?"

"I thought it would be a surprise!" said Quinn.

"So...," said Daria, thinking, "do the three of you have one mind...or three minds?"

Sandi 1 spoke up. "Each of us has a separate mind. We all think our own thoughts."

"But we have a tendency to...," said Sandi 2, interrupted by....

...Sandi 3, who continued, "...complete each other's sentences."

"Maybe it's low grade telepathy," said Daria, writing down notes on a pad. "And when you come back together, what happens?"

"The one of us knows everything that all of us know," said Sandi 1. "You can test us."

"Wait a second," said Jane. "I'm still not over you not telling us!"

"And I'm not over you not letting me help out before we went to Philadelphia!" shouted Quinn. "You two were so stuck-up that I asked Sandi to help me out finding information! And it was a lot easier with four people working on it than two!"

"So how did you find out Sandi had these powers, Quinn?"

Quinn smirked. "She told me. She trusted me! Unlike some people in this room I won't mention!"

"So you, naturally, told Sandi," said Daria.

"Yes," said Sandi 2. "And I kept it a secret. I thought that we could all get into big trouble if everyone knew too much."

"Why not? It would make you the most fashionable people in Lawndale."

"No," said Sandi 3, "if people thought we had powers, we would just stand out. It's just too weird."

"And your parents know?" asked Jane, "and they're okay with it?"

"I guess," said Sandi 1. "I don't think we had any choice. They're not going to tell anyone. And Sam and Chris would be punished." The two other Sandis smiled at the thought.

"Well...," thought Jane, "I don't see how I can keep you out."

"Great. Now we have another member who can contribute three times the brain power of a chipmunk."

"Hey!" said Sandi. "I'm like, right in the room, Quinn's cousin or whatever!"

"Okay. A larger animal than a chipmunk. We don't need the power of super-annoyance."

"Daria," said Jane, "the point is to give Quinn someone to hang around with."

"Dammit. All right. Against all of my better judgment. But we need to know everything here and I do mean everything."

(la la LA la la)

Tiffany Blum-Deckler was haunted.

As she walked the slow path to the Quarry on foot, she could see them. The ghosts. The ghostly people. They were now starting to fade in and out. She could only see them for a few seconds, but they would disappear.

As for the drivers on the road, they were no bother. If they saw a tall Asian girl wearing a slip and walking down the road in the middle of the morning, they chalked it up to something they didn't care to report to the police. Two teenage boys made a nasty suggestion, shouted out the window, but they were driving so fast that their rude comment collapsed into a distorted phrase as they sped by.

The truck the boys were driving went through one of the ghosts. He was an older gentleman. He wore those clothes Tiffany saw in those plays about that person with the really long name in those plays that have the "ye" and "thou" in them. As the truck passed right through him, he ignored it, then, disappeared again.

The boys didn't stop the truck, or try to get out and see what happened. The vehicle disappeared in the distance.

Tiffany knew that she was dying, somehow. She was seeing the dead. An older man looked at her disapproving. A woman, dressed in rags, screamed something in a foreign language. She appeared to be quite insane, quite angry, and flew around her twice before flying away, her cackles ringing in Tiffany's ears.

Step. Step. Step. The sun was beginning to beat down, and she could feel it. She was looking very unfashionable, her overly caked makeup starting to run in smears, running in brown spectral streaks across her immaterial face. Her toes had no substance, but she could still feel each leaded step.

She had not eaten. She could not eat. And what would her mother have said to Tiffany if she knew? She would have probably blamed Tiffany for it. "You did this to yourself. You find a way out of it."

Sandi could help her. Sandi was smart. But she had to get to Sandi. She couldn't drive a car. She couldn't feed herself.

Tiffany wished she was smart. "If you read too much you get wrinkles," her mother said. And she didn't want wrinkles. But right now, she would have given anything to read a book so that she could know what to do!

One of the ghosts looked at her. The ghost seemed Asian-looking. He was muscular looking, short, with an open shirt. Whoever it was, he appeared young, with a quite serious demeanor. He wore large wooden clogs.

The ghost stepped forward.

"Hello," he said.

"Hi," said Tiffany, back. "Am..I dead?"

"I don't think so. My name is Bai Zheng. How do you do?"

"I need help...I have to get to the Legion...."

Bai nodded. "You must keep walking. You will be there in a half an hour. You have walked far. I would stay and wait. You need to talk to Daria Morgendorffer. She'll know what to do."

"How...how do you know who...Darrrria is?"

The young man smiled. "I watch. I watch many things. There is nothing else for me to do here." Bai Zheng smiled, almost shyly." I have never spoken to one of the pretty girls of the waking world! Not since the hundreds of years I was cast here!!"

"Are yooou dead?"

"No," Bai Zheng sighed, "no, but not a night passes when I do not wish I was dead. I shall go ahead to see if your friends are there. You are...Tiffany, right?"

"Right. I'm just soooo tired...." Tiffany did not even think of asking how Bai Zheng knew her name.

"Do not lose heart. If they are not there, wait for them in a day's time. You must not give up, Tiffany. Do not despair! I do not know how long I will be able to talk to you!"

Bai Zheng began to fade. "Tiffany...!!"

Tiffany ran forward to reach for him.

But he was gone.

Tiffany didn't know what to do. Perhaps, after the hours of walking, she was hallucinating. But if she were just seeing things, then seeing Bai Zheng was a good thing to see.

Tiffany walked forward. Step. Step. Step...