LLH 7.1

“Final Exam” by Roentgen

It was time for Daria to tough it out again.

Slowly, and methodically, she worked her way across the track. She was about to finish her third lap around the Lawndale Junior High School football field. Then, she'd stop. All I can take for just one day.

It then hit her. If she would just run one more lap, she would run her very first uninterrupted mile run. But it was just too tiring, and too boring. The second she crossed the finish line of the third lap, Daria stopped jogging and walked a ways to relieve the side-stitch she always earned.

At least, there were two other Legionnaires jogging. Sandi Griffin solved the problem very easily: she purchased a treadmill with Legion money and had it moved into her trailer. There would be no more ugly pictures in the newspaper.

And, surprisingly, Upchuck had now decided to take up jogging as well. Where he was running, Daria didn't know and didn't care. She suspected he was running along the quarry. It didn't matter, as long as she didn't have to keep him company.

After the fight, and the wake-up call, Sandi deigned to chat with Upchuck and asked him "if (he) thought exercise and fitness was important". Upchuck, surprisingly, agreed. Upchuck had a reputation as a spaz at LHS, and Daria figured that an exercise program was a good excuse for Upchuck to redefine himself.

But the barriers to getting every member of the Legion on the same page were insurmountable. Quinn and Tiffany were opposed to any exercise program in principle, lest their nebulous definition of personal beauty be threatened by sweat. And Jane -- Daria's best friend -- canned the entire idea. "The Legion", Jane said, "isn't an excuse to boss people around."

Daria noticed that Jane had been slipping in her duties to the Legion. She had missed two meetings in a row, which were chaired by the insufferable Sandi Griffin who wanted to make every Legionnaire jump through hoops. However, Daria was coming to a conclusion that she never thought she'd reach -- Sandi was beginning to eclipse Jane in her dedication to the Legion. And Upchuck was starting to take his cues from the Alpha Bitch.

Jane had been spending the Legion's resources to locate Penny Lane. This was a hard job even under the best of circumstances, as Penny Lane deliberately did not leave forwarding addresses. Daria had heard the back-end of a conversation between Jane Lane and Dawn Hall.

The two were clearly screaming over the phone. "You're my employee! Find my sister, God-dammit! I don't care how important you think you are!" Dawn was screaming back that she was not the employee of a "child", and that she'd handle these matters "in the way that she ****ing well pleased". Lane/Hall relations were at an all-time low.

Daria was tempted...tempted strongly...to do a little peeking around in Jane's mind. But it seemed that all of Jane's concerns were spilling out of her. Jane was withdrawing into herself.

(* * *)

"These are really, really great!" said Jake Morgendorffer. "I can never get my clients to come here! They want to eat at some fancy bar! And God help it when I suggest it to my family! All I get is objections and snickers! Lousy bunch of food snobs -- !"

John Dynell noticed that Jake was already up to his third drink. Dynell, a natural psychologist, watched the multiple changes in Jake's personality.

"Well, Jake," said Dynell, choosing his words carefully, "we're adult men. And, in these brief moments of lunch hour, a man can be truly free!"

"Amen!" said Jake. "God bless Outback!"

Dynell raised his glass. "We should take the rest of the day off as a lunch hour, and just eat like pigs. Take a gastronomic tour of Lawndale! Hit every two-bit restaurant, fast-food joint and -- !"

"--I never got good food, John. Did you know that? Never got it. Had to eat crap at Buxton Ridge! My wife never wants to cook anything! One daughter is always on a diet, and the other is a born food critic! None of my clients have any taste -- !"

"Now, please, Jake," smiled John. "I'm your client!"

"That's right! You are! And no client of mine ever said, 'Let's go to Outback!'"

"Of course," said John Dynell, with a bow of the head, "I bow to your superior wisdom in these matters. Outback is good. I know it's good, you know it's good, and we can flee from the balls and chains in our lives!"

Panic struck Jake. "Holy crap! You're not married! Does that mean that you're...uh...?"

"Actually, Jake, no. I'm not gay. I like girls. As Freud would say, 'sometimes not being married is just not being married'!"

"--do you know how ****ing lucky you are?"

John raised an eyebrow. "Are you saying that you're not happy?" Condensing hours of thought to a split-second opportunity, Dynell said, "I really can't believe that your family is that bad. I'd really have to see them for myself!"

"Say!" said Jake. "Why don't you see them? I mean, you're a successful man!!"

You gave it away, Jake. You want your family to see you as successful. And therefore, you'll bring the wealthy John Dynell to your house so your skeptical family can see. Trust me, Jake, I'm going to be good friends with your family, even your children. Especially your children. Why do you think I would have opened an office next to your consulting business? It was definitely not for your skills as a consultant, which could be matched by a Kindergartener with a twelve-pack of Crayolas...!

"Jake," smiled John, "I don't know...I mean, compared to yourself...would they really--would they really want to see me?" Poor little ol' me, Jacob? Poor little ol' John Dynell?

Jake lit up. "I'll call my wife right away! After all...I have other clients, you know?"

Sure you do, Jake. "It sounds fantastic. I'd love to see your family. And...just to make it clear...I'm not a fussy eater. Anything you serve, I'd love to eat...!"

(* * *)

"...and your final exam will include all of "A Raisin in the Sun" and "The Glass Menagerie". I want all of us to know the major themes and messages of both works. For example, the themes of "The Glass Menagerie" as illustrated by what we know about Tennessee Williams's life...!"

Daria raised her hand. "Are you saying that the characters wish to escape reality in Menagerie symbolizes the struggles Tennessee Williams had with his homosexuality?"

Mr. O'Neill turned red as everyone in the room started to laugh. It was a universal law -- say the word "gay" in a classroom and watch classroom management go to hell. "No, Daria, I mean that Williams's family -- !"

O'Neill awaited Kevin to interrupted with a sassy, somewhat bigoted or otherwise inappropriate remark. But nothing. Kevin and Brittany were missing.

" -- uh...does anyone know where Kevin or Brittany might be?"

"Reenacting "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof"?" asked Daria.

"Daria, I'm serious. This is the review for the final exam! I'm surprised that neither Kevin nor Brittany are here to...."

Jane whispered to Daria. "Why is he so worried? Kevin's gonna fail anyway. I'll bet he hasn't cracked a book all year."

"Probably because Kevin needs his 'D' to play football," said Daria.

"That was a nice comment about Williams being gay. Were you implying something about our dear Mr. O'Neill?" whispered Jane.

"Nah. O'Neill walked right into that one. He'll guide the class through any theme or discussion that doesn't make him feel uncomfortable."

"Where are our two lost little lambs?" said Jane. "Kevin ought to be ashamed. Missing out on all this education!"

(* * *)

Kevin and Brittany wouldn't have even been able to spell "Tennessee Williams" at the moment. They were lip-locked in a hormonal embrace in the janitor's closet.

Kevin's hand began to slide up Brittany's thigh. The minute he crossed an invisible line of demarcation, Brittany grabbed Kevin's errant hand and pulled it away. "Stop it, Kevvie! Not so fast!"

"God damn, babe! I'm rock hard and horny!"

"You know we can't do that! Not here, anyway!" Secretly, Brittany loved it when Kevin tried to cross the line. Kevin, if he were nice enough, might get to third base yet. Ashley told Brittany never to give anything to a boy too easy -- it gives them a false sense of entitlement.

Kevin brought his hands back to Brittany's waist and back. They were kissing each other so hard that they both felt they could push right through each other.

Brittany reached for her nightlight, which had fallen over. She liked kissing Kevin in the dark, but every now and then she got claustrophobic and had to see where she was. Not that there was ever much to see in the janitor's closet, except brooms and mops.

She bent down to pick the light up, but Kevin stumbled and kicked it deeper into the closet. "Damn!" said Brittany. "Hang on!" She walked over to get her portable light.

It had rested near a stack of wooden boxes in the closet. Each crate had a sticker next to it with the word "EXPLOSIVE!" and a diagram of a person being ripped to pieces. Stenciled on each crate were the words:

PLASTIC EXPLOSIVE PE-4A
100 CARTRIDGES (32 x 203 x 230)
23 Kg NET
30 Kg GROSS
0.042 m^3

LOT SPE 71-88/04

Connecting each crate was a bevy of wires, leaving from the uppermost crate to the one at the bottom. The crates were tucked in the very back corner, covered with a tarp.

"Kevvie!" squealed Brittany. "There's--there's---!"

"What is it, babe?" asked Kevin.

"Plastic explosives!" squealed Brittany, in her highest soprano. "There's enough of this explosive to blow up the school!"

"Uh...Ms. Li wants us to be really, really secure?" said Kevin, using his noggin.

"No, Kevvie! These are all like wired together. I think it's -- " whispered Brittany, terrified -- "a bomb! Kevin...we have to tell everyone in the school, but we don't want to start a pani--!"

(* * *)

As Daria and Jane listened to O'Neill drone on, they heard Kevin Thompson outside, screaming his lungs out.

"What did he just say?" whispered Jane. "Did he say 'Mom?"

Kevin ran to O'Neill's door. "BOMB!!! BOMB!!! There's a bomb in the school!"

The students laughed. Kevin was pulling one of his tricks.

"Uh...Kevin, please, quiet down!!"

"Dude!" shouted Kevin, looking like the Oakwood defensive line had just deciphered his system of audibles, "the janitor's closet is full of dynamite! It's a bomb! Mr. O'Neill...we got to get the **** out of here, dude!!"

As Mr. O'Neill's jaw dropped, everyone in class watched Five-Alarm Brittany outside, running down the hall, her voice an

...eeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Students looked at each other.

Before Mr. O'Neill could stop them, the entire class broke for the door. O'Neill was left even more helpless than usual as he begged the classroom to remain calm.

The only ones not perturbed were Daria and Jane.

"I don't believe it," said Jane.

"Stay here."

(* * *)

Daria ran down the hall to catch up with Brittany. "Brittany. Brittany, stop screaming!!"

"eeeeEEEEEEEE --- !!!"

>:-- STOP IT.--:<<

Brittany heard the voice in her head, and a fuse was immediately tripped. She looked at Daria, eyes wide open, slack-jawed.

"Which of the janitor's closets are you talking about?"

"Uh...the one across from Mr. McDonald's social studies class."

"Brittany", said Daria, speaking with her mouth but making her speech into a mental command, "find Sandi and Quinn and Tiffany. Bring them to the locker you were talking about."

Brittany looked terrified.

"After you do that, you can leave."

Brittany nodded, and then ran off, not even thinking about what had transpired between Daria and herself.

(* * *)

Tiffany was in her fully phased form. Daria was speaking to her mentally.

>:-- Tiffany, what do you see?--:<

Tiffany looked. The crates were just as Brittany had described them. "I think it's a bommmmmmb," she said, both with her mind and with her mouth.

Daria broke off contact. She turned to Jane. "Do you know how to defuse a bomb?"

"No. Ask her if there's a timer. If there's anything obvious!"

Daria was silent. "No. She says there's nothing."

"We have to do something!" said Sandi.

"Do what?" said Daria. "It's a ****ing bomb. I don't know how to defuse a bomb. Neither does Jane. Quinn would probably set it off -- !"

"--hey, that's not fair!" said Quinn.

Daria sighed. "I was referring to your power. All you could do is attempt to destroy it, and you'd probably trigger it by accident."

"Do we know when it will go off?" said Sandi.

"No. We -- !"

The fire alarm went off, and Jane turned white. Quinn visibly flinched. "Jesus Christ!" Jane shouted in aggravation. "I almost had a heart attack!"

"...attention, students!" It was the voice of Principal Li overhead. She sounded as if she were in the middle of the most critical moment of a hostage negotiation. "This is not a drill. We have...a situation! Please exit the building in an orderly fashion...!!"

The Legionnaires turned. Students began pouring out of their classrooms, some walking, some in a half-trot, and others in a full-fledged run.

"Like, I don't need to be told twice!" said Sandi.

"But the school, Sandi!" shouted Quinn. "The school! We have to do something! This is our school! We have to save it!"

"How are we going to save it, Quinn? We can't save it! It's a bomb, Quinn? Do you know how to defuse a bomb?" said Daria.

"No, but...!"

>:--Quinn, I don't have time to argue with you. Leave the school. The school is screwed. Let's get out while the getting is good!>:--

Quinn felt the switches in her head going off. Mind control. Quinn was compelled to leave. As she walked away, quite calmly, she thought, you didn't have to use mind control, Daria...!

(* * *)

Several police cruisers and fire trucks were parked in positions around Lawndale High School. Ms. Li was finally led out of the building. Mrs. Bennett and Mr. DeMartino were almost holding her up.

"--Mr. DeMartino, please let me go---!"

"I'm TRYING to TELL YOU!" he said, his eye bulging, "you can't GO DOWN WITH THE SCHOOL! This ISN'T a BATTLESHIP!"

"Please Angela!" cried Mrs. Bennett. "Get hold of yourself!"

The two led Ms. Li away as the students milled around the perimeter of the parking lot. Most of them had broken up into small groups and began chatting with each other. They didn't know if Kevin was crazy or not. Brittany was telling a group of cheerleaders a somewhat edited story about how she found a bomb at Lawndale High School...!

"Is Tiffany going to be all right?" asked Stacy.

"She's in immaterial form," said Daria. "Even if the bomb went off, I don't think it could hurt her. She's just spying for us. I want to know what the bomb squad finds."

"Speak of the devil!" said Jane. Tiffany was being escorted -- rapidly -- out of the building by a member of the Bomb Squad, right into the waiting presence of Mr. DeMartino, who proceeded to give her an earful for endangering herself.

>:--Tiffany...don't listen to Mr. D. What else did you see?--:<

uh....there are...lot of bombs and stuff....they found two more closets...I think they're saying....

"ATTENTION PLEASE! ALL STUDENTS, FACULTY, AND OTHER PERSONNEL ARE ASKED TO LEAVE THIS AREA IMMEDIATELY! PLEASE GET AS FAR AWAY FROM THIS STRUCTURE AS POSSIBLE -- !!"

Daria and the others turned towards Lawndale High School. Like clowns exiting a circus car, the Bomb Squad had dropped their equipment and were proceeding to haul ass out of the building as fast as their fat legs could carry them....!

Jane had the best words for the situation. "Oh super-sized tub of ****. We're screwed...!"